My 2015: Pre-planned & In Progress

It’s not like me to be organised or to plan ahead at all. In fact as a general rule I like things to be as unscheduled and surprising as possible – I think I’ve always enjoyed the freedom and spontaneity that brings. Some, probably most people prefer the sense of security, order and control that planning ahead gives them and need the sense of knowing (or thinking they know 😉 ) what’s coming. I, on the other hand, always panic if my diary becomes what I deem “too full”, too far in advance (by which I mean a month…) It’s as if I am losing control of my ability to choose my own life and giving my power away to whoever I have promised to meet, visit, work for, etc. I’d say protecting this flexibility and freedom in the life has become my driving force over the last few years, probably to the point of dysfunction!

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I don’t quite know why, but I’ve always felt a deep sense of security in having my life unscripted, unplanned and un-promised and in being free to change, cancel or create something in the moment, according to what’s going on in my world at the time – fitting in with what’s right for me and mine in relation to all those quirks of life that you can’t predict, not what you think will be right for you months before, when we are all, as far as I’m concerned different people to the one we’ll be a few weeks hence. It partly stems from a fear of being trapped and partly, since becoming a mother, from a deep fear of promising to do something that will separate me for too long from my children.

Somehow, however, this year, 2015 is turning out to be my most highly planned-out year yet. For the first time in years my entire life is getting booked up, day by week by month, to the point where I find myself planning a project in 2016 already and getting accidentally ahead of myself all the time, thinking it’s coming up this Spring rather than next.

And you know what?…  I like it!

This is probably because everything that’s going into my diary is awesome and exciting. I feel pretty blessed and grateful that this is my life!

So here it is….

My 2015

January & February

A crazy whirlwind of orchestral work, acting classes, Theo Paphitis’ #SBS Winners’ Event in Birmingham and visits from my parents, my parents-in-law and brother and sister-in-law from Bucharest, one after the other! To say nothing of Remus’ massive televised concert in Romania and all the work involved there, events and concerts here in London.

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March

Classical Babies‘ 5th Birthday Concert is approaching and my acting partner Natalie and I will be writing and filming a scene for our showreel together, needing a DOP, lighting, music, the works. It’s a big project and we’re on a deadline of 31st March.

April

On 2nd April, I fly to Bucharest for a couple of days to see Remus play Paganini 1st Violin Concerto with the Enescu Philharmonic. For those who don’t know, I love Bucharest, it is a home from home for me, full of friends and family, great culture and events and favourite places to eat & drink! A trip there is always a treat. From there, we go straight to Cornwall where our boys, Gabi & Luci will be waiting for us at my parents’, already on their Easter Break. We haven’t been able to visit Gorran Haven (literally my ‘haven’ from the madness and pollution of London) for months much to our collective disappointment and I am practically gagging to breathe the sea air, take walks and chill with my mum and dad. (Though I’m tempted to pop up to London for a few days for an acting intensive at GFCA. We’ll see…)

May

Classical Babies will feature at Music in the Round, at the Crucible Theatre in Sheffield! On the 18th, my youngest, ‘Luci Puci’ will turn four years old (which I can’t believe) and on that very same day, I’ll be jetting off on tour to Mexico with the City of London Sinfonia (including a couple of free days to look around!). This is my first real tour and although I’m gutted at missing Luci’s birthday, we’ll celebrate the day before and he’ll never know the difference. My amazing parents, officially the best people in the World, will look after the boys. ❤

June

In June, Remus’ brother and sister-in-law, Lucian (Snr) and Dana come over with their kids, Eva and Vladi – exactly same ages as Gabs and Luci, minus 3 months! – and we will nail Peppa Pig World at Paultons Park and Thomasland, Drayton Manor in one weekend. (Crazy but has to be done!)

July

After a visit from my parents for my nth birthday and Gabi’s 6th (he’s already requested a minecraft cake), Remus and I leave the kids in Cornwall again (sorry, Mum and Dad!) and jet off to Sinaia, in the mountains in Romania to teach violin at a Summer Masterclass course. Also, to be honest to enjoy a bit of kid-free time together in a beautiful place, even if it is a working holiday.

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A summer holiday with the kids in Cornwall follows and then our lovely, car-crazy Dacia expert, Danuț (who lovingly and perfectly restored our Renault 12) and his family come to us in London. (I say our R12, and she is, but really it’s Remus’ baby.) Then, just one week later we’re into…

September

… when my Luci starts school! From then on really, Autumn is a big mystery, for the following reason… Oh man, this is complicated, it’s really needs a blogpost of it’s own to explain. But to oversimplify it, for this post’s sake, for a year or more now I’ve been really tempted to audition for this four-term Postgrad acting course (MA equivalent) at GFCA, the school where I’ve been studying part time for the last 2-3 years. Both boys will be at school at it’s time I really do something with my life. I really want to be able to get work as an actor and not just fanny-around with it like I have so far, but the course is crazy-intense. I’m on the fence big time. But that’s another post… Suffice to say, I don’t know what I’ll be doing with my Autumn. It could be that, or more classes, auditions, violin work, Classical Babies, being a mum, a bit of everything like I do now… Who knows. Whatever it is, I know it’ll be creative and I know it will be worth it.

Which brings us to…

December

On the 10th December my Classical Babies String Quartet will be part of a big Charity Christmas Carol Concert in Knightsbridge to raise money for my most loved charity The Lullaby Trust (who I did my Violin Marathon for in memory of Matilda Mae). It will be a really beautiful event that I’m so proud to be helping with. I can’t wait for Luci’s first school nativity and  the usual Christmas stuff with the kids and then, for the first time ever for us (me and the boys) and the first time in maybe a decade for Remus, we’re spending Christmas in Romania! I’m very excited, because we get to spend some quality time with Lucian and Dana and our niece and nephew in their new apartment in the centre of Bucharest and the kids will go bonkers together! Then the parents in law will come over for Christmas Day and the big dinner. Sarmale!!! (my favourite Romanian food) Then for a week after, over New Year, we’re going the four adults, four kids, to a cottage/cabin place in the countryside where the kids can play in REAL snow (not the kind of single-layer flakes that close Heathrow airport) and we can sit by the fire and drink wine! PERFECT.

So, not only do I have the most pre-formatted year up my sleeve, I also have great plans for 2016 including a joint Azoitei family ‘Bucharest-London branch’ holiday somewhere hot and kid-friendly in the Summer, but also a brilliant idea for a big Lullaby Trust fundraiser in memory of Matilda Mae, akin to the violin marathon but quite different. I can’t wait! 

Maybe being organised is the way to go after all… Though I really think that after all my years of playing it by ear will stand me in good stead when some of these best-laid plans of mine ‘gang a-gley’.

Hopes and wishes and dreams….? Yeurgh!

“Tread softly because you tread on my dreams”

Some of you may have noticed that I’m not exactly a prolific blogger. Part of this is because I don’t like to post unless I have something positive to say, so sometimes in tricky patches I don’t post anything rather than have a moan – at least until yesterday, when I tried to just spill out whatever I was thinking and feeling, like a proper warts n’all blogger (and man did it feel good to have a moan! – as soon as I finished writing I felt that it wasn’t such a bad day at all – how cathartic!) I’ll definitely be doing that again! Partly, I over think everything and each post comes slowly as a consequence, partly I just don’t have time. But mostly it’s because I do actually keep a good old-fashioned, hand-written diary which makes my blog a tiny bit redundant in the sense that blogging is surely meant to be just diary-keeping in an online form, no?

The trouble is – and yes, friends who know me as a compulsive over-sharer both on facebook and in real-life may scoff at this – I’m not brave enough to share the kind of things I put in my diary. Not because they’re embarrassing or anything to be ashamed of – totally the contrary, they’re mostly boring, but they’re really me at my most unarmed… my wishes and dreams… and I feel that sharing that makes you more vulnerable than sharing anything you’ve done or thought or said during the day with your kids, or mistakes you’ve made or stupid situations you’ve found yourself in, or when you have a great day or when you’re struggling. All this I share with abandon on social media and verbally with friends. I’m happy to share my views on God, religion, death and the Universe (unfinished and ever-changing as they are). I willingly post photos of myself looking horrifically tired, with blotchy skin or no make-up or with bad posture, or pulling an unflattering face because I like how my kids look in them or it captures a particular moment in time I’m proud of, I share embarrassingly intimate details about giving birth or breastfeeding or  silly misunderstandings I’ve had with my husband when we’re over tired! I’m always a bit game for looking bad in public if I think it will help another person feel comfortable, or better about themselves for example. I couldn’t be said to be vain in this respect, I really don’t think…

So why does sharing my hopes and dreams (and conversely, disappointments…) make me so squeamish?!

The thing is, I don’t actually use my diary as a diary in the journal sense of writing about my day. It really is just long, long lists of things I’m thankful for, things I already know will happen which I’m thankful for, and looking forward to, and things I wish for.

Along the lines of:

* I’m so thankful for my three amazing boys who I love more than the Universe…* and *I wish for a holiday in Italy with Remus, in one of the places we were on honeymoon, a whole week without the kids…*

There. That wasn’t so bad. What’s the big deal about that?

Well, I think it’s something to do with it all just being so upwardly hopeful and so damn positive. In the online world as much as in real life, where people seem to be rated for their opinions, their intellect, their knowledge of politics, their wit and sarcasm and ability to get a laugh online, to be wry, to win an argument, to seem clued-up and clever and better yet, funny with it… to just open your heart and show the part of yourself that is young, hopeful and ingenuous opens you up to ridicule or even worse, pity!

I think that’s what I’m afraid of…

But I really believe most people, when they drop their mask, their ego, their edge, right at the core of most humans, there is I believe a part that is hopeful, a little childish, a little naive, a wisher, a dreamer of good things. I think we all have this. And if we all shared it a little more openly we would all get along a little better and the world would be a different place. So to that end, I’m going to try to be brave and share here a little more of what I put in my diary…. Soon.. xx

Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

Yeats